healing diaries '#1
as one or two of you might have noticed, i am currently in the process of rebranding my website. this is an unbelievably exciting time for me, as it feels like i’ve finally commited to my authentic self and my limitless self-expression. recently i came across a practice of ‘‘worldbuilding’’ on the internet and using a website as a portal and way of fully giving your art and your creations and yourself the space to simply be and exist.
this resonated with me in many ways, i’ve always felt very connected to the creation of websites and especially after being on social media for so long, it feels like a safer, calmer and more peaceful space to put my artworks, my thoughts and my creations on.
over the past 2 years, i’ve been thrown into a very unexpected healing journey, although i do believe the entire act of living can often be a healing journey, but everyday i give myself the space to see what comes up and what needs to be expressed and healed.
my health has had it’s severe ups and downs in the past years and after feeling better for a while now, i felt a sudden setback last week, which left me feeling frustrated and somewhat angry. i wondered why i felt stuck again, feeling almost like my body was afraid of getting better. some things then came to surface. over the past few days, i was asked and led to observe and feel deep-rooted feelings of unworthiness, that i had never quite acknowledged before.
today, i allowed myself to feel and be still for a few moments, even though i struggled to just sit back and let my emotions do the work, instead of journaling and overanalyzing everything. i sat down and simply asked that whatever needed to come forward, come forward.
and it did, i spent the better half of an hour crying, punching pillows and moving through the pain of an old comment that was once said to me in school when i was just 13 years old. i remember it happening over 7 years ago and i also remember shoving the hurt and the pain aside back then. i knew deep down i had never let those emotions out. the same thing happened last year, when i let myself see what wanted to come forward and i spent 2 hours crying and being catapulted back into a moment when i was younger in a moment where i felt deeply betrayed by my friends while horseback riding.
where do emotions go when we don’t express them in situations that make us angry, sad or ashamed?
where do they go?
time heals many wounds, but repressed emotions become triggers, they lurk in the shadows and they control our lives, even when we aren’t conscious of them. our body holds the emotions and is often begging us to let them out, to breathe them out, cry them out, scream them out, move them out, shake them out.
mind notes:
- sit down for 5 minutes of stillness, take a deep breath and hold an open space for your body to express what it wants to express. fully trust what comes forward, no matter how small or big it might be. your body does not bring anything to the surface that it thinks cannot be handled. trust your body. trust what comes forward and trust what needs to be expressed. trust if things come up multiple times. hold the space for your body to express without judgement, without thought of ‘‘this wasn’t thaaat bad’’ or ‘‘why is this coming up again?’’
- a book i read recently: when the body says no by gabor maté (a revolutionairy book)
- i am making a vow to myself that from now on, whenever i can, i will express what i feel. anger and sadness won’t be turned inwards anymore. i am allowed to express my emotions and in the future i will communicate, let myself feel and move through feelings by breathing, feeling and moving.
