returning to yourself in moments of overwhelm and uncertainty

today wasn’t one of my best days. i spent the entire day overwhelmed, stressed, anxious and it felt like i carried bags upon bags of stones on my back. recently, in my life i noticed moments like these occur occasionally, especially when trying to find my way in the world as a business owner, creative and highly sensitive person. it hasn’t been easy. especially after coming to the ‘‘earth-shattering’’ conclusion that i didn’t further plan on going after my dream of becoming the worlds biggest fashion photographer last year. having had a solid forseeable plan for so long and suddenly finding myself in a field of opportunities, visions, dreams and paths has been overwhelming, to say the least. i have never been as overwhelmed in my life as i have been this year. actually, before this year, i rarely got overwhelmed, ever. anxious, sure, down, sure, but rarely overwhelmed, especially when it came to my creative practices or ventures.

back to today. i felt particularly anxious. i felt my stomach tightening and the inside of my skin bubbled in somewhat of a firey sensation i usually feel when i get really stressed. i felt stressed about where to go next, what project to focus on, what niche to choose, what platforms to be on, what my true visions and dreams for the future truly are. after pondering alone for a while, i spent hours talking everything through with my mom and i’m glad i did, it was nice to get the mess of my mind out into the world, to make sense of it to gain clarity.

all i’m looking for, at this time in my life, is clarity. and i have not found it. and yes, i am aware of how silly i sound. i am 20. no one in their 20’s has clarity, i’m sure of it. maybe clarity is overrated, but in moments of overwhelm it is all i seek and all i wish for. my mind often feels clouded, paralyzed by possibilities and fears and thoughts and in those moments it is incredibly difficult for me to find my way back to peace. today though, i have reflected on a few ways this might be possible after all. it’s the evening now, i ate a bowl of pasta, listened to a children’s audiobook i used to love as a child, i logged out of all my social media accounts and i opened the balcony door to let fresh air in, i took a shower, put on fresh clothes, washed my face and brushed my hair. i feel better now. the overwhelm isn’t fully gone, but i can’t help but feel that i’ve somewhat found my way back to myself for now.

some thoughts and notes on overwhelm:

i reflected on overwhelm and the times i felt it in my life, i started seeing a pattern and after a while i started writing down which things eventually lead me to tip over. i found that most of the time, it’s the same things that lead my mind to reach full capacity.

these seem to be: social media, watching too many shows or youtube videos, spending too much time consuming other creatives or artists work online, watching too much inspiratonal content & again, social media.

as a multipassionate person, i’ve noticed that spending a lot of time online consuming content or videos from other creatives and artists, often leads to immense overwhelm for me. it is something i’m still trying to work on, but it’s difficult, as it constantly sparks new inspiration and new ideas. my head seems to constantly be full of ideas, and don’t get me wrong, i am beyond grateful for all of the divine creative visions that visit me on the daily, but it can get a bit much sometimes. spending too much time on social media in general, seems to be the number one thing that leads to an about 70% decline in overall wellbeing for me. i never feel better than in times where i entirely step away from all social media platforms.

overall, when it comes to my recent bursts of overwhelm, i found that they usually involve my career aspirations, paired with a dose of time spent on social media prior to the overwhelm arising. and after a long time of reflection, i am now practicing to fully return to my own inner roots whenever clouds or fog hinder my capability to effectively follow my vision. daily, i see new things, new ideas, new ways of doing things online and it pulls me into a million directions. i now practice strengthening my roots and returning to myself as many times as needed. the internet is filled with worlds, content and heaps of input, which is astonishing and often incredibly powerful, but it’s also not something we’re entirely made for, i believe. i often think about how back in the day, we were aware of what our family, our neighbors, our friends, the people in our school and our village were doing. we didn’t have access to every person’s mind out there and we didn’t have billions upon billions of words, visuals, sounds and opinions right at our fingertips. this can often get immensely overwhelming and i try to tune out of it, not feeling bad that it drains me so strongly. It is okay to not be able to keep up with the modern way of living, in many ways things are getting out of hand. we as humans and our brains are adaptable and beyond intellegent, but i think the recent downfalls of mental health and the immense rise of stress-related diseases in our generation have shown us that something might be in need of changing. for now, i am starting with myself.

i have also created a ‘‘return to self’’ board today, which made me incredibly happy. i grabbed a thick piece of cardboard paper and i glued a collage filled with my favorite colors onto it. in the middle, i added a picture of myself as a child, one where i look particularly happy and carefree. it just makes me happy to look at it. i now put this ‘‘board’’ up in my room and i look at it whenever i get the chance or whenever i am in need of reconnecting to the core of my being. as i look at it, my younger self was the most authentic version there is of me, she knew everything, and i truly mean e v e r y t h i n g. i know people say the older you get, the wiser you are, but i’m not sure i entirely agree with that premise. our inner child is so closely connected to source and to who we came here to be, it is only later that the conditioning happens. of course, often by the time we are older, we have (hopefully) deconditioned from societies expectations and molds as much as we possibly could. currently, i try to honor my inner child every day, as much as i can. i practice doing everything for her and i know that with each time i reconnect to her, she allows herself to stand up even taller.

a little update 6 days later (september, 10th):

i’m reading through this blog post again, 6 days later and i still remember how i felt while writing. after my few days where i felt particularly overwhelmed and down, i decided to put an end to what i knew was the trigger all along. i completely deleted instagram off my devices and found a way to still somewhat use it through the meta business suite app, this seems to work fine so far. there are still some tiny downsides to this approach, but the upsides are immense. it’s just been a few days, but i can feel my wellbeing getting better again. i haven’t been as overwhelmed in the past week as well, which is definitely thanks to the lack of social media in my life.

if you’re here reading and you find yourself relating to my emotions and thoughts, see this as your sign to figure out a healthier approach to using social media, or to delete it all together. it may just be the thing that could change your entire life.