the weird phases in between
i’m finding myself in a what i like to call ‘‘a weird phase in between’’
by weird i mean that the transitional phase i find myself in currently in my life is slow, exciting, painful and uncomfortable all at once.
there’s a weird gap between distancing yourself from an old version of yourself and an old chapter while having already stepped into the portal of a new world and a new life. things are odd and mostly still the same, yet it feels almost painful to live an ordinary and familiar life through the lens of a new mind.
slowly, but eventually, the outside world catches up though. after all, the world outside of us is simply a mirror of our perception and therefore even if things seemingly stay the same, the way you look at things change and therefore the world somehow changes for you too.
life truly is very weird right now, not in a bad way, not in an extremely good way either. being 20 is weird. i often wonder how many times i will change in the years to come. how often i will change my mind, leave behind old ways of seeing the world, hobbies, friends, favorite foods and plans for the future. it scares me, but i assume it will happen quite a lot. the good thing is that new things come along. the bad news is that this means there will be an obscene amout of '‘weird phases in between’’.
phases where the old chapter has long ended and the new chapter hasn’t even been written yet. the words might float around somewhere, a few of them might have been stamped onto the pages already, one by one more words are added. it almost feels like sitting in front of the book that is your life, watching each word fly in and land smoothly on the page before who knows when, another one appears. maybe a sentence becomes clear after a while and all you can do is keep looking and reading. and eventually things will make sense.
but when you find yourself in a phase where the single spread around words on the pages don’t make sense yet, you have officially found yourself in the ‘‘weird phase in between’’. congrats. there’s enough room here for everyone.
you’re safe here, you can come as you are.
i imagine the universe saying this to me right now.
a little heart dump & what flows through my mind right now:
- I’m looking for more than fragments. Over the past few months, I’ve learned that there is enough space in this universe and on this world for me to expand and be all that I want to be, in every form and every way. But it still feels a little lonely from time to time. I sometimes find myself questioning if there will ever be souls that can truly relate to me at my deepest core, even though I know so many of my friends and people around me do—in fragments and pieces—but rarely or never in their entirety. Of course, this makes sense; we are all so unique, each one of us different. But it often feels like standing on the outside, watching people relate to each other, and knowing that you just want someone to get you—not just fragments, but the entirety of your being at a deep level. A level of familiarity and seeing yourself in the other person, not just within tiny occurrences, but in widespread parts of your soul and being.
- I’m know there is space for my visions in this world, but since some of them require people and connection to work, i’m not sure if there is demand. This, once again, deeply triggers the inner child within me who feels that her inner world is misunderstood and unvaluable to the world.
- I’m wondering if it is possible to fall back in love with the city i was born in again. It feels right and deeply wrong at the same time and i’m not sure if it would be possible to reimagine a future life here when i still see my old younger self sitting on benches, walking certain streets and having monumental moments in her life everywhere i go. Added on top of that, the chance of running into old people and also confronting my deep-rooted rejection of this city to begin with. I decided to give it somewhat of a try. 1.8 Million people live here, the city looks different than it did 5 years ago, even if just it’s energy and a few new added places. Maybe the old life can quietly fade away whilst i slowly create new memories. Maybe it could be healing.
- I feel the desire to learn how to DJ. Not even fully, not professionally. Learning the simplest basics.
- In my life right now, i deeply crave human interaction, people’s stories and thoughts and universes and groups of humans. After a year in hermit mode, this almost feels like an alter ego of mine has been unleashed. I haven’t seen this part of me in so long, i doubted that she even still existed. I now know it’s the nature of me going through different cycles of curiosity, extroversion and introversion. My long hermit mode was needed, it will eventually come again, maybe in shorter periods, maybe in longer, we’ll see.
